Those are some important questions, Erik. They show your deep compassion and concern. I am grateful for the many groups seeking to help those of us in ag deal effectively with stress and crucial conversations like you mention. I'm looking forward to an upcoming training on the topic. I'll report back in if I learn anything pertinent to your questions.
I really wish I had some good answers now. It's so easy to just do the "How are you doing?" "Oh, fine, thanks. How about you?" "Just fine too, thanks for asking." And then just go on without ever really connecting, checking in, showing that we truly care. Maybe that's the thing-- to somehow signal clearly that we truly care without making the other person feel cornered or bad in some way.
I wish Bud Williams had taught more about low-stress humanship. His stockmanship principles often apply to people as well as four-leggeds, but I wonder what he'd say on this topic?
Thinking about some of the things I learned from Bud and other excellent stock handlers, one clue to know when to ask the questions might be to look at our friends and neighbors the way we look at our stock. With our cattle and sheep, we look to see that the whole herd is together, all of them with eyes that are bright but calm, coat shiny and smooth, eating or lazing or contentedly chewing their cud. We give a second look to any individuals off by themselves, ears floppy, head down, off their feed, rough coat, with that distracted, unengaged look. People who are in anguish can be as uncommunicative as livestock, but we're all just different forms of animals when it comes right down to it. So maybe Bud's teachings can help us here.
But that's only a start. You also asked about how to engage people in a conversation about alternatives. Again, I wish I knew. When I'm feeling low I usually don't want to talk. So it's back to another stockmanship principle: a good way to avoid something bad happening is to fix what happens before what happens happens. In other words, do what we can to build trusting, supportive, resilient relationships before things go sideways. And stay as healthy and balanced as we can ourselves so we might be able to notice and offer support to a friend in need.
)